Wednesday, February 27, 2019

I was gone but now I am here

I had to set my blog aside while I finished my degree and adjusted to new challenges at work.  I moved into a management position in 2016 and also decided to further my education.

While I can say that I am happy I did it, I can also say I am happy it is done.  My college education has always been done while working full time.  The majority of my schooling has been funded by employer provided educational assistance.  While that is a gift I am grateful for, it did not pay for all and it required me to work full time and school 3/4 time.

Working and going to school was much easier in the 20's than now in my 40's.  All of a sudden I feel my age creeping into my life like mold.  I know it is partly because while pursuing this most recent educational goal I also had major knee surgery, leaving me in a wheel chair for six weeks.  I felt the consequences of my age in fatigue from working and studying but also in the comparison between recovering from a hysterectomy in my 30's quite quickly and recovering from holes drilled into my Tibia in my 40's.

I notice that pushing through pain or fatigue is much more difficult.  Don't misunderstand me I have never been an elite or gifted athlete.  But for my performance level I have noticed the difference.  In short I am a middle aged woman and that reality has snuck up on me.

All of a sudden I am afraid.  Afraid of a bad mammogram.  Afraid of not keeping my mobility if I wreck on my bike.  Afraid that I will not be able to keep doing all of the things that I love doing.

The fear is palpable.  I think it has a root of being older than my Mom ever lived to be and also knowing that my biological mother is a mess.  You may not know I am adopted.  Adopted at birth.  I chose to meet my birth mother when I was 21.

Meeting her was a mistake.  I do not feel like a good human for typing that but it has not provided me with anything other than heartbreak.  I guess that is a different story for a different day.

Sincerely yours,
middle aged scaredy cat bad ass

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