Skip to main content


Showing posts from 2011
Have you ever ached for someone? I do. I ache right now to be with Riddick. We've been like ships passing in the dark night, for four days, while I'm on night shift and he's on days. It's odd to enter our home, empty, but all the signs of someone having just been there. The drip of coffee on the counter top is still wet, the dogs haven't quite settled in on the bed yet, waiting for me to arrive. The fan in the bathroom is still running. My ache is also for my parents. I know I do not have the corner on the market for loss. Not having your parents alive and having your spouse's parents still alive puts an odd spin on it. I don't have children of my own, so I feel much like a parasite on Riddick's family. I don't think I'm treated as a parasite, I just feel like one.

Geeks of the 18th Century

I've always thought of myself as a geek. A great deal of my time is spent reading and thinking. I enjoy learning and discussing abstract ideas and discoveries. Not the most common thing for a reasonably attractive woman. There is no intent of slamming my fellow women, but I don't focus on my nails, hair or the newest purses. Reading the NY Times science section I found a very good article about a group of linguists that have applied their skills to a German manuscript written sometime around 1760. It was discovered in East Germany in the 1940's and until recently has gone un-broken. Until now... Dah Dah Dahhhh.... Drumroll, hold your breath in anticipation.. The 105 pages beautifully bound in green leather appears to be the rules and guidelines for a secret order of people devoted tot he study and interest of Ophthalmology. That's right, and group of dorks, wearing funny hats and clothes, with initiations all to talk about eyeballs and the such. There you

Bye Bye Cloud factory

I grew up in Canby, Oregon. It's a small town, what some would call a bedroom community for Portland, but when I was young it was more a farming community. Few people commuted every day into Portland. There were three grocery stores in town. Hi-way market, Cutsforth's Thriftway and Roth's IGA. Dad shopped at Roth's, my dad called the others, "Cut throats and Hi way robbers". But Mom shopped at Cutsforth's, don't ask I can't tell you why they shopped at different stores, but they did. There were three pharmacies, but no big clothing stores. No Fred Meyers. So when we needed clothes or shoes or home furnishings we went into Oregon City to J.C. Penney. I remember school shopping and dress shopping all at Jacque Pen Wahh. Than we would have hot Roast Beef sandwiches at the PineWood Restaurant. Good memories, good time. As you travel from Canby to Oregon City along 99E you go through a tunnel right past a large paper mill. One that has

My 9-11

I wrote this below, almost 3 years ago. It was a different time, and I was a different person, but that is the beauty of writing. It's like a snapshot of what was then, but this is now. I'm working this weekend, and worried for us all. September 11, 2001 was the day the world changed for me. September 11 9-11-01 is a date that none of us could forget, nor should we. It was like a wakeup call in the most horrific painful way, for the whole country. For me it was a wakeup call on a completely different level. I didn’t know it was a wakeup call for another 8 years, and those 8 years will be something that I can never regain. On September 11, 2001 my husband was spending a long weekend with another woman. His mistress. His first mistress, that I know about. Her name was Dora. Dora Elise Perez to be exact. I just said that out loud as I typed it. Because for years and years I was afraid to say it out loud, to think it even. Because if I thought it, than I would

Time to celebrate!

Kate Gosselin of "Jon and Kate plus 8" and than "Kate plus 8" will soon be off the air. Woohoo that is awesome news. No more fake white teeth, fake boobs, surgically enhanced flat stomach and that constant tude polluting the air waves. Kate it's time to put the tube of fake tan down and get a freaking job. Yes that's right, you chose to be on TV, it bit you in the hiney, and now it's over, so please, re-dedicate yourself to your children and not traveling the globe. Goodbye, good luck, don't go away mad,just go away!

When I'm working days

I work 12 hour shifts, 5:30 to 5:30, varying between nights and days, on a set patter. Each rotation lasts 3 weeks and I work 14 shifts. My last 4 shifts of each rotation are 4 day shifts Monday through Thursday. They are hellish. The office is busy, people are talking, I have to get up at the butt crack of dawn (4 AM) and I struggle through them, yawning away. What I think about while I'm working, actually more of a fanatical planning and researching, is what I want to cook or bake the next week. I look of recipes, coordinate them with sale ads and coupons to stay on budget, think of special days coming up. So far on my list of what I want to cook for the next week: Shrimp ceviche Roasted corn salsa Smoked turkey Sweet corn tomallito Chocolate cream pie Roasted garlic shrimp I see a pattern with corn and roasted. I want a pepper roaster, how's that for random
These two are cousins. My dog, the famous Mrs. Maya and Sido's dog Paislie Jean. For as much as they are alike they are different. They both love water but only Maya bites the hose like a maniac. Both love tennis balls but Paislie is still struggling with the sharing thing. Mostly what I feel when I see them is happiness that even my dog has someone to play with. We all need play mates


Two years ago today, I met my husband face to face. We had “met” online via E-harmony and been emailing and met for breakfast on the 4th of July, after one of my night shifts. The first meeting was funny, but that’s not the point of my note today. In reflection of what has happened in my life over the past two years the short description of it is a total transformation. Let those words sink in, total transformation. People that knew me than, see the difference. I was enduring a horrible marriage that I was settling for and it had left me broken. My Dad told me a long time ago that if someone knocks you down all you have to do is stand back up. Well, I didn’t think I could stand up. My parents were gone, and even though I had friends that loved me, it was all I could do to get out of bed in the morning. None of us never really knows what’s going on in anybody else’s marriage. We only see the reactions of the spouses not the underlying issues. If you think that you know w

Hello Mr. Finger

Riddick hurt himself at work, something about a fingernail being ripped off by an errant screw and than I blacked out. He was trying to sleep and I was in that annoying place I go to when I'm so tired I can't sleep and I get stupid silly. At the start of the clip he is ignoring me. So I do the most adult thing I can to get his attention. I bit his armpit. Watch and learn

Morning bird

My morning coffee sitting next to mrs. Maya and watching this little beauty. Make it a great day!

My family

Ironman, Riddick, and Pinkie at their finest, not posing just existing. I love them all very much.
My three favorite men. Python, Papadon, and Riddick. I love them all and am grateful for each one of them. Father's day isn't as easy now that my sweet Daddy is gone, but as long as I carry him in my heart he is with me.

Forgiveness ala Elizabeth Smart

Surprisingly so "People" magazine had a nice small article on Elizabeth Smart and her forgiveness of the two monsters that kidnapped her. I'm going to paraphrase, although it is very close to a quote. Elizabeth said that she has forgiven him but that doesn't mean she's going to hang out with him or write him supporting letters. I love this statement. Her description of forgiveness is right on. So many people confuse forgiveness with acceptance, they are very different things. I have forgiven the whore monger that I was married to. That doesn't mean I accept that there was any excuse for his actions, nor does it mean that I want him anywhere in my life. My forgiveness of his hurtful actions mean that he isn't allowed to harm me anymore with the choices he made. It's like putting a computer virus in a "quarantine". It's away from your OS, it can't trip up your PC, but it's never allowed back into the fold. Don'


Many days I pray for Kyron Horman. I should pray for him everyday, but I forget, a poor excuse but a true one. I don't know where he is, I don't know if he is alive, I only know that his family is in a world of pain that I cannot fathom. They are getting up and going through their days, waiting and hoping, but hoping for one answer, while knowing the answer may be painful. I also don't know if Terri Horman had anything to do with her step-son's disappearance. That is unthinkable for someone like me, a step-parent, that she would harm a child put in her care and life by marriage. My own thought, if Terri did attempt to hire someone to kill her husband did she inadvertently allow a killer into her life, did she start the fall of dominoes that led to that sweet little boy being taken. I don't know. I pray for you Kyron, your parents, and siblings, and all those that love you. And I pray for Terri, please, tell the truth. Truth is the only thing that w

Riddick's game of Hot and cold for my birthday~he's my dream come true

And the gift isn't too shabby either

A List

I like malt balls (whoppers) but can't stand Malted milkshakes..barf! Given a choice between an Ipad or a new mtn. bike...I choose the bike. Absolute Pepper makes the worlds best Bloody Mary Chicken strips, good ones, are a serious weakness..I can look a donut in the eye and turn it down, but a good seasoned all white chicken strip...oh baby, now we are talking. My tolerance for eating shit from people has fallen to next to zero, I wasn't big on it before, but now, well now I have no issues writing you out of my life. I pre-cook bacon pounds at a time so when I want to use it, it's much quicker to crisp up without getting over cooked. My dog is much smarter and better behaved than your freaking honor student, I should probably put a sticker on my car.

Ahhh 39..Embrace it

Today I am 39 years old. I'm proud of that. I'm 39 and I still have all my teeth, who would have thunk after all that bubble gum I've chewed. Riddick and Mama gave me a beautiful party yesterday. I have some pics of it that I'll post later. Python and Sido were there, as well as HipChick and Lineman. Graybelle and even more friends. Life has a funny way of swinging around on you. People who are in my life now, daily, sharing their lives, loves, sorrows and joys with me, aren't those that I thought would be here 2 years ago. Some I didn't even know, others I had mis-judged, or maybe didn't trust. I don't have any big words of wisdom right now. I'm more in a place of reflection and contemplation. Today truly is the first day of the rest of your life.

Thankyou City of Portland

I was searching for bike maps online. The City of Portland has free maps that you can order online. My maps came in the mail the other day I was so excited, and they were FREE! There are two, a full size and a nifty little pocket sized map. The pocket sized map folds out into.. A full size map showing the bike paths, low traffic and bike lanes in the city. As well as bike stores and repair facilities. Thank you again City of Portland

Thinkgs I wish I had known 20 years ago.

It’s the entire birthday thing. I’m turning 39 on Monday and it’s making me philosophical. A list has been brewing in my head, of things I wish I had known when I was about to turn 19. ~My thighs were awesome and I didn’t show them enough appreciation. In fact I was much thinner than I ever thought I was ~It’s ok to admit you make mistakes and do a complete 180 degree turn and back the hell up ~Don’t worry about things so much. I can’t remember all that I worried about but I know less than 10% ever happened, and the things that did hurt me came out of nowhere ~Most of the time if people you don’t know well make a cheesey comment like “I got your back”, they are wanting you to relax so they can get the knife in really really deep ~Lift up the other women you meet along the way, our world is very hard on women, we need to love and support one another, even if they do something stupid like wear white stretch pants ~Never buy or wear white stretch pants ~Be careful with pe

Spring in the yard

Not too bad for SOC

fstop 9.0 ISO 200 This is Paislie, Sido's Labbit. I took this in my front yard, while Python and Riddick were working on Sido's car. I didn't edit it at all. Do I have any criticism of people who photoshop their pics...good gravy no, I'm all for it. But I don't own the software and it's way down on the budget list.
sittin in the sun drinking coffe with my girl. Mrs. Maya hates cameras but doesn't dislike my phone..I think it's the no shutter noise.

On the approach

I'm nearing my 39th birthday. It's in about a week. May 23. No, for pete's sake I'm no lying about my age, I really am turning 39 for the first and only time. If I was going to lie about my age I would probably tell everybody I was 40 just so they would shut up about it. Getting older doesn't bother me, yet. Check back when I'm turning 60 and I may have a different story. I am still able to do the things that I love. And for reasons I do not know I still get asked for ID when I buy beer....really. My face may look younger than 39 but it sure as hay does not look anywhere near 21. Two years ago when my first marriage came crashing down, two days before my birthday, on May 21, a friend of mine deemed that birthday as my "re-birthday". I like that. It's a beautiful thing to behold. A re-birth. Have you ever had a re-birth?

What my birthday list says about me

I jotted some ideas down for Riddick, ideas for birthday gifts for ME! It's a very basic list, here it comes. ~Anti-gravity lawn chair ~Epiphone Limited Edition Hummingbird Artist Acoustic Guitar ~Wrist and knee pads for my rollerblading ~running socks, cushioned toe, not super low profile My explanations: Anti-gravity lawn chair, really do I need to explain this? I want to be comfy in my yard or on a camping trip. Oh my gosh, the guitar is a thing to behold. I love and appreciate my Dad's guitar that I've been strumming on, but I want one of my own, and the slim line neck is wonderful for my short stubby fingers. Wrist and knee pads, trust me they are needed, I am the one who nearly severed a tendon in my leg with an axe when I hit a toilet Socks, my toes hurt sometimes after a run, like they do after a day in scuba flippers. And not super low profile because if my socks start to slip down my heel and want to harm myself and others.

Ever been invaded by the green monster?

I have been. Whether it be jealousy of why I don't have a perfect body no matter how hard I work, or because Pioneer woman has thousands of daily readers, or because I can't play the guitar the way I want to yet. The green eyed monster of jealousy is vicious. Really, it's up there with gossip and deceit as something that can destroy relationships and your spirit. You ever feel like painful memories and insecurities are just like claws trying to drag you into a pit and keep you there, no matter how hard you try and break their grasp? I do sometimes. I think most women do, if they are honest. A peer in high school said something to me one day that made me cry for days off and on. She said that I could never understand something because I "was perfect". I can even hear her tone of voice in my head right now. It wasn't a compliment; it was a comment to set me apart from everyone else. All that she saw was my coordinated outfits from "The Li

A tale of my toes

I had never had a pedicure until last year, when Mama took me to get one. No I'm no dirt poor and un-aware that people get pedicures. I had had manicures, but never the feet. I'm not specifically sure why. I've never had a bikini wax either but I'll be sure to let you know if I do. So back to my toes. I have ugly toes. Not hammer toes, not grotesque ballernia toes, sorry to all the swans out there, but really your feet look nasty. You may have tiny little butts and tight thighs but your feet, oh they are nasty. Genetically speaking I am pre-disposed to in-grown toenails. I would get them so often that soaking in Epsom salts became a weekly habit. Once in a while a icky infection would present and I'd have to become best freinds with hydrogen peroxide and triple antibiotic. About 15 years ago I had this lovely procedure done. The official name is lateral matriectomy. It's the surgical removal and deadening of the nail bed. Long story short,

Mother's day 2011

Tomorrow is a day all about Mothers. For me it's a bitter sweet day. Bitter because it's a huge reminder of the two most painful details of my life: that I'm not a mother and that my Mom is gone. It's a sweet day because of all the beautiful women in my life who are Mothers. Some have been like a mother to me, some are my friends that have children of their own, and some like Sido are my family. I will celebrate tomorrow for those of you that are mothers and for the memory of my Mom. I would prefer my life to be different, to have my mom here now. I wasn't ready for her to go and she was not ready to go. Life is short and fleeting and fragile. Love your family. Love them like crazy, love like there isn't a tomorrow, because there isn't a tomorrow for everyone. Today is all we have. Happy Mother's day everyone.

Laundry room, pantry, door in the ass

Our laundry room is also the kitchen pantry. Washer and Dryer under a set of cabinets on one side, and the other is my big old pantry. Graybelle calls it "heaven" because it's always full. Yes I am a problem shopper, I am very frugal and careful in my purchases but I still manage to always have a crammed full pantry. I was in the pantry (that's what I call it if it's food involved, if I'm doing laundry I call the same place the laundry room) putting cans of olives and water chestnuts in the nearest empty drawer. But every time I shut one drawer my snap-ware container of Craisins would come crashing down onto my head, by the second time it hit me I yelled, "dammit". No! it did not occur to me to move the freaking container to a different place, I can win over gravity. Duh dunt da da..Riddick comes running to the rescue. He was in the garage working on his batbike when he heard me yell. I should mention that the Laundry room/Pantry is be

Debt stinks

It really does. I hate being in debt. I hate that fact that it's left over from my previous marriage, and it feels like the fee I had to pay for getting rid of a rotten cheating whore monger of a husband. What's worse is that so many people really to not comprehend how dangerous debt is and how dedicated I am to never having any of it again. I shop at goodwill, I will drive my car until it's so dead that Riddick can't resurrect it. But I work with people who just buy and buy and buy. It's rough to have that comparison of lifestyles. Hard to look at my own and not feel cheated. But remembering and telling myself that my reward isn't here on earth, it's in heavan. That and the best revenge is to be happy. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

Peanut, sneeze

I have a bladder the size of a peanut. No kidding My sneezes are loud. So loud that just now, the entire trading floor heard me sneeze and said "bless you" It sucks. I am blessed however that my extra powerful sneezes do not cause my peanut size bladder to leak, now that truly would suck. Ohhh that would be horrible. That's what I'm thankful for right now. That I can sneeze and not pee myself! Amen


Is a bit odd. On all the new's outlets all I read about is the death of Bin Laden. Yes, I'm glad he's dead. Frank but honest. I do wish there was a picture or some visual proof published, if only to shut up those who are voicing doubts. These same lamebrains probably don't believe astronauts ever landed on the moon either. Halfwits! No I don't think he is enjoying 10,000 virgins or whatever it is he believed. I hope he is remembered as a evil person who murdered thousands. Muslims, Christians, Pagans, all alike, with no remorse. I hope he is not remembered as a Muslim, who killed Christians. There's a difference. A big difference.

Things I wish I could do

Whistle, yup, can't do it. Tried and tried, I don't know where to put my tongue (no comments here plz) Spit, not a very good spitter. It goes everywhere, I don't have that one blob in the spitoon sort of ability. I realized this when I run or bike and I have that disgusting build up after a long ride/run. TMI I know. Drink Tequila. Oh I can drink it, but I can't keep from barfing after

Just a quick running update

I am still running, still lovin in, still a short legged slow person. My runs are every other day, at least 3.5 miles and I haven't moved past the 5 mile limit. I average a 10 minute mile. I have done 9 minute averages and wanted to puke, cry and die all in that order when I finished. I love the feeling of salt crystals on my face from the dried perspiration. I know very odd, but I love it.


Riddick and I were cruising through the Sonic drive-thru, during Happy Hour(if you don't know what Sonic happy hour is, you are missing out on pure joy for 99 cents) Riddick ordered two medium "grape squishies" The response after a healthy pause was " you mean slushie?" Riddick.."ah yes" as we drive away Riddick mumbles, "don't tell me you don't know what a squishie is" Really does anybody not know what a squishie is? Even if you aren't a fan of "The Simpsons", have you really never never heard "squishie" Love, Apoo

Easter Memories

I used to get black patent leather shoes every Easter. I wanted red stinking bad. But they were always black. A new Easter dress and shoes. Every Easter we would go to my Uncle Bob's for dinner. But first there would be magnificent Easter baskets courtesy of Mom. I know now, that she spent time putting them together. I looked forward to finding them every year. My cousin Nina and I one year in Uncle Bob's garage.

Sido's "Labbit"

My niece, Paislie Jean. Sido calls her a labbit, even when it's not Easter. Something to do with the big back feet and the hopping I'm guessing

I'd ask why, but who would I ask

Criticizing my parents is incredibly painful for me. They aren't here to explain anything, or defend any criticism, and I miss them so very much that any thought that darkens that memory makes me feel dis-loyal. This all stems from a lie. A lie I told. Actually a series of lies. I didn't tell anybody when my first husband hit me. I kept it in. I knew or at least I belived that I was protecting him, myself, and that if I didn't tell anybody that I would be the only one to get hurt. And because I thought I deserved it. You might ask what the hell would give an 18 year old the idea that she deserved to be beat by her 38 year old husband. Well because it had happened before. Not by either of my parents, but by someone else, someone else who had no right to solve an argument with violence. My Mom had died by the time this all happened. But I feel that my Dad did not defend me as he should have. In his defense he probably did more than I know of, but to me, he wan

Ahhh what a time I have had

Blogging has been on the back burner, the way back burner as of late. The past month I have been coping, dealing and trying to help with my step-father's illness. Sadly, Ken died March 25th. Last week was especially stressful. We had Pinky and IronMan for the week. April 5 is also the anniversary of my own Dad's death and Ken's memorial service was set for Saturday the 8th. The kids had doctor appointments and youth group. I had envisioned a very hard week for me. The driving was too much, the phone calls, many comforting my bio-Mom, were painful, but in the end it was all made better by having the kids. Having them here with Riddick and I meant that I could not just lay down in my bed and cry for a day, or hide in my house, like I choose to do quite often. Do you ever like to do that? Plan days where you don't leave your home, puttering around, cooking, plucking your guitar, organizing..or just reading. I love those days. Never used to. I always

Coulda shoulda woulda

That's what will call this post. I coulda been anything in the whole world, but I wound up here I shoulda taken better care of my my teeth, but hey I still got em I woulda been a mother if I woulda had my way about it What coulda you have been, and what shoulda you have done, and what woulda you do different?

Pirates and Riddick's plan

Let me be clear about this post. I am disgusted and heart broken about the killing of 4 Americans by Somali pirates. Not because they are Americans, I was just as saddened by the capture of other hostages. In my opinion, and since this is my blog, and if someone doesn't like what I'm saying they can turn the freaking channel, I get to say it. Pirates need to be the hunted parties. US needs to be the big bully of that neighborhood for a while. The "hood" I'm speaking of is the open International waters off the coast. If ships have business being there, fine leave them be, and in extension offer them safe passage by our presence. But Pirates need to be eliminated. Yes, yes I know that they are poor, desperate human beings. But they aren't robbing ships of money and valuables, they are taking people hostage, mis-treating them and killing them, for an expected pay out. That goes beyond my ability to offer them any understanding of their economic position

Letting Go

I have a past. There I said it. Not a sordid one. I wasn't a stripper, didn't have sex with the football team, didn't commit any felonies (or misdemeanors). My past is an abusive long term marriage. I'm not in one now. In fact, I am in the polar opposite marriage. Riddick and I aren't perfect, in fact we are both basically dorks. But we are loving, god fearing, gentle dorks that respect each other and others, and try and stumble through this earthly existence without doing harm to anyone else. We remind ourselves when we get tired and worn out from this life, that our reward is not here on earth but in heaven. But, well actually, not but, more like a heavy pause. This past weekend was a tough one for me, and in extension, Riddick. My past came to bite me in the butt in a way and through a person I did not expect. When you live a life with abuse and don't tell anyone, when you do tell people, you don't always get the support or understanding that you


Still runnin, still lovin it. That statement is so surprising to me. Very happy that I can run, that I can bike, that I can swim or take long ass walks, basically I'm blessed. Even though I don't like the appearance of all my body parts, I am healthy and strong and can do whatever I want and the worst thing that will happen is I might bet sore the next day. Thankyou Lord! PLYMI

Running update

Still going strong, up to 2.5 miles running added with at least a mile of walking. Yesterday was a reminder for me that my sweet dog Mrs. Maya is 70 in dog years. She just about didn't make it, I worried I would have to carry her, my poor girl. Thinking of losing her is horrible, although I know it will happen. If she dies it will be the last think of my "old" life left to go. It's an odd feeling to realize that Riddick et all my new family only know me. They never knew my Dad, ofcourse didn't know my Mom, and really haven't gotten to know my extended family

Nothing I have ever wanted to hear

I spent some time yesterday with a very close friend, someone who is more like my family. She's in pain. Her marriage is not going well and the pain in her voice and on her face is so apparent. I sat and listened to her, just taking in what she had to say, and it was as if someone was describing my first marriage, but it was all coming out of her mouth. The deception, loneliness, frustration and feeling of utter confusion as to what to do when the person you are married to changes into someone that you don't know, and frankly, don't want to know. It makes me all the more grateful for Riddick. Last night was very hard on me, I was in a odd place, living my life now, but thinking of my life than. And I hate those times. It leaves me exhausted and with a night of bad dreams. Sometimes I do wish we could wipe our minds of all the bad memories. Those memories and experiences do make us the people we are now, but the person I am now is not as brave or secure as the person I shoul

Running update

Well it's week 3 of the "Couch to 5K" running plan. It's going splendidly. So far, so good, no serious pain, just some soreness. I don't have any cardiovascular issues, I've been working our regularly for years, and cycling 20+ miles. So my issues are just building bone mass and strengthening different muscles groups. I find that now, as before in my running life, I prefer trail running. Let's face it, I'm not a coordinated individual, I trip all the time, so while off road running, I focus so much on not tripping or face planting that the time ticks by.f Oh that's another point..for now I'm setting my runs for a specific 30 minute time frame, not including a walking warm up and cool down, all said about 50 minutes of workout time. I think at the 8 week point I'm going to switch to distance, now I want to condition myself first. Riddick has even started the program. On his own. I think it's his competitive nature. He can skunk


It just creeps up on me

Last night I started to feel un-easy. I believed it to be because I would be away from home for 4 days. I work 12 hour shifts, rotating days and nights. This week I am working 3 night shifts. Because of where we live in proximity to where we each work, I don't see Riddick at all when I work these shift. I leave in the evening before he gets home and he leaves in the morning before I get home. So in order to see him and to save money on commuting, I stay at my in-laws for the week. Mama is awesome, she has given us a room of our own, and made it very very homey for us. So it's not displeasure with my surroundings that is the hangup. I've just become a homebody. This morning I was reminded that today, the 11th of January is my Dad's birthday. Or it was, well it still is the date he was born, but he died April 5th, 2008. The day crept up on me. I try very hard not to mark the dates my parents died, and to not let their birthdays draw me down into a pit of sorro

I'm seeing a pattern

Remember last year, last year when I got totally fed up with facebook and de-activated it, only to give in to the temptation and emails from friends..and logging back in. Only to feel like a loser yet again. I'll be honest. What I love about facebook is how much more I get to hear about the daily lives of Pinkie, Ironman, Sido, Graybelle and the rest of my family. I love seeing pictures, and being able to offer written words of encouragement or humor for freinds that are having a rough day. What I don't love is the need I feel to put a post up, when in reality I don't want to. The things I post here, on my blog, are out in the publicly consumable realm of the internet. And I know that. But the things I put on facebook should only be for my "friends", but they truly do become comsumable by anyone who gets the news passed on to them. So yet again I am feeling disgusted with the whole idea of social networking. Which sounds counter intuitive considering I'

Once I was a runner

I was what most people call and "chubby" child. That soon changed into a fat kid. I hated being fat, hated it. I used to dream about what it would be like to be one of those girls that was born to be thin. When I was 14 I started to lose weight and exercise. By the time I was 16 I had lost 50 lbs and was slim. I didn't think I was, but by the pictures I can tell you I was. Being overweight most of my life had made me shy about my appearance and my body, something that haunts me to this day. I lost the weight eating a strict low fat diet and running. Running every morning before sun up. Before anyone could see me. And I loved it. The rest of my teens and my twenties I maintaned a very healthy happy athletic weight and was very happy with it. But once in my thirties when my first marriage was in sad shape and my husband was already cheating on me. I ate. I ate to stuff down the knowlege of what I knew to be true, but that he wouldn't admit. I have to tell

Good Elf, Bad Elf