Monday, December 19, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
I'm working this weekend, and worried for us all. September 11, 2001 was the day the world changed for me.
9-11-01 is a date that none of us could forget, nor should we. It was like a wakeup call in the most horrific painful way, for the whole country. For me it was a wakeup call on a completely different level. I didn’t know it was a wakeup call for another 8 years, and those 8 years will be something that I can never regain.
On September 11, 2001 my husband was spending a long weekend with another woman. His mistress. His first mistress, that I know about. Her name was Dora. Dora Elise Perez to be exact.
I just said that out loud as I typed it. Because for years and years I was afraid to say it out loud, to think it even. Because if I thought it, than I would be accusing the man I love of something horrible.
Dora was just the first, or at least he said she was the first, but that’s a different story for a different page. Dora was from Honduras. He flew her up here for a visit.
He said he was going fishing. Fishing at Billy Chinook. I even bought him a new anchor and float. He took his boat, but forgot the anchor. I felt something was up, something wasn’t right. So I did what any sane, hard working, healthy 29 year old would do…I tore everything out of my bedroom and painted the walls. Of course I picked a color, Columbine Pink, which was so close to the original you never would have known. I didn’t want to upset him after all.
I had painted all night long, into the early morning hours. I had taken the day off of work just to finish it. When I woke from my paint fume induced nap at 9 AM, the world was different. I watched the playback of that huge jet and all the destruction and I immediately called Tim. Wanting him to know we were ok. I left a message, upbeat that we were all fine and he didn’t need to worry.
He came home on September 14. Quiet, I thought it was because of what had happened in NYC. I even reassured him that I wasn’t hurt that he didn’t cut his fishing trip short, and believed in him.
I don’t know why I never left him. I can think of several very good reasons to leave him long before I ever suspected he was cheating. But I didn’t want to admit a failure. To broadcast to the world that I had chosen wrong. That a 20 year age difference might matter. That if he was cheater on his first wife, and then again on his second, that I being his third had no reason to be surprised that he was still…a cheater. All those reasons seem like the right ones. But there are more. I didn’t want to leave his kids, kids I loved, kids I would miss. I didn’t want to not be a wife. To be alone out in the world that scares me still. And who would want me? I was chubby, freckled and prone to crying jags. I can see now that the crying and the chubby were directly influenced by my misery, I can’t blame him for freckles, God gets that one.
But most stories of marriages that end in heartbreak don’t start out bad, and neither did ours. I can’t claim he was a bad husband all the time, he wasn’t. But what he was was controlling and violent and unpredictable. Like the old saying from who knows where, “when it was good it was very good, when it was bad..”, it was hell. When he was good he protected me and cherished me until that moment in our marriage when he gave up but didn’t want to tell me. I know that moment too. I felt it. I didn’t know what it was, but it was like a change in the weather, everything got a little cooler. I wonder if I drove him to that point. If I was and just am too much of a person for one man to handle. He said once that he could always see this bright shining light in me, a light that was good, and pure, completely hokey. It’s what attracted him, this idea of someone being pure and loving and wanting to be with him. It made him want to be a better man, a better father, just better. But I think it burned him. That trying to be something he wasn’t because of an idea of what he thought I was, it’s too much for any of us to handle.
I’m not that person. I don’t have that light in me. That’s a burden that isn’t right to put on another. What he saw in me, what is in me, is an ability to love. An ability to feel. It’s a blessing and a curse in one. A gift that hurts me as much as it comforts others.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Woohoo that is awesome news. No more fake white teeth, fake boobs, surgically enhanced flat stomach and that constant tude polluting the air waves.
Kate it's time to put the tube of fake tan down and get a freaking job. Yes that's right, you chose to be on TV, it bit you in the hiney, and now it's over, so please, re-dedicate yourself to your children and not traveling the globe.
Goodbye, good luck, don't go away mad,just go away!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
They are hellish. The office is busy, people are talking, I have to get up at the butt crack of dawn (4 AM) and I struggle through them, yawning away.
What I think about while I'm working, actually more of a fanatical planning and researching, is what I want to cook or bake the next week. I look of recipes, coordinate them with sale ads and coupons to stay on budget, think of special days coming up.
So far on my list of what I want to cook for the next week:
Roasted corn salsa
Sweet corn tomallito
Chocolate cream pie
Roasted garlic shrimp
I see a pattern with corn and roasted.
I want a pepper roaster, how's that for random
Thursday, July 7, 2011
For as much as they are alike they are different. They both love water but only Maya bites the hose like a maniac. Both love tennis balls but Paislie is still struggling with the sharing thing.
Mostly what I feel when I see them is happiness that even my dog has someone to play with. We all need play mates
Monday, July 4, 2011
In reflection of what has happened in my life over the past two years the short description of it is a total transformation. Let those words sink in, total transformation. People that knew me than, see the difference.
I was enduring a horrible marriage that I was settling for and it had left me broken. My Dad told me a long time ago that if someone knocks you down all you have to do is stand back up. Well, I didn’t think I could stand up. My parents were gone, and even though I had friends that loved me, it was all I could do to get out of bed in the morning.
None of us never really knows what’s going on in anybody else’s marriage. We only see the reactions of the spouses not the underlying issues. If you think that you know what’s wrong or right in anybody’s marriage but your own, you are a fool and you have no right to judge. People saw my un-happiness and bitterness but didn’t think to question why. And I was protective of my own life and his to not tell everyone what was happening. That’s my mistake and I will never make it again. Don’t hide behind your pride!
Meeting Riddick changed my life. But it changed because I let it change. It’s hard work letting go of pain. And some days it’s more difficult than others, like getting too close to a curb on y our bike, the fear in your gut that you may just bite the pavement. That’s what the past is like for me when I think of it. So I have worked hard to get rid of it. Do not let someone else’s sin, even your spouse’s define you or control what your life is.
You never know what life has in store for you. Never, never give up on life or love, or yourself. I truly believed with all my being that I would be alone for the rest of my life. That nobody would want me and my scars. Life would just be me and Mrs. Maya dog, tripping through life. But instead Maya and I hit the jackpot. Now our life is filled with Riddick, and Pinkie, Ironman, Mama, Papa, Python, Sido, Hipchick, Linebacker, Leann, Dan, Sam and Paislie.
Today and every day I know that I am loved, accepted and honored for who I am, all that I am, bad and good. And I love and accept and honor. That is a gift I wish everyone had. I want that for the kids when they grow up, and I want it for every one of you that may be hurting or not where you want to be in life.
It’s our Independence day, and it’s mine too.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
He was trying to sleep and I was in that annoying place I go to when I'm so tired I can't sleep and I get stupid silly.
At the start of the clip he is ignoring me. So I do the most adult thing I can to get his attention. I bit his armpit.
Watch and learn
Friday, June 24, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
Elizabeth said that she has forgiven him but that doesn't mean she's going to hang out with him or write him supporting letters.
I love this statement. Her description of forgiveness is right on. So many people confuse forgiveness with acceptance, they are very different things.
I have forgiven the whore monger that I was married to. That doesn't mean I accept that there was any excuse for his actions, nor does it mean that I want him anywhere in my life. My forgiveness of his hurtful actions mean that he isn't allowed to harm me anymore with the choices he made.
It's like putting a computer virus in a "quarantine". It's away from your OS, it can't trip up your PC, but it's never allowed back into the fold.
Don't look down at someone because they haven't outwardly embraced an individual that hurt them, that doesn't mean they haven't done the internal work to forgive them, it just means the door is shut.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
I don't know where he is, I don't know if he is alive, I only know that his family is in a world of pain that I cannot fathom. They are getting up and going through their days, waiting and hoping, but hoping for one answer, while knowing the answer may be painful.
I also don't know if Terri Horman had anything to do with her step-son's disappearance. That is unthinkable for someone like me, a step-parent, that she would harm a child put in her care and life by marriage.
My own thought, if Terri did attempt to hire someone to kill her husband did she inadvertently allow a killer into her life, did she start the fall of dominoes that led to that sweet little boy being taken. I don't know.
I pray for you Kyron, your parents, and siblings, and all those that love you. And I pray for Terri, please, tell the truth.
Truth is the only thing that will set you fee.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Given a choice between an Ipad or a new mtn. bike...I choose the bike.
Absolute Pepper makes the worlds best Bloody Mary
Chicken strips, good ones, are a serious weakness..I can look a donut in the eye and turn it down, but a good seasoned all white chicken strip...oh baby, now we are talking.
My tolerance for eating shit from people has fallen to next to zero, I wasn't big on it before, but now, well now I have no issues writing you out of my life.
I pre-cook bacon pounds at a time so when I want to use it, it's much quicker to crisp up without getting over cooked.
My dog is much smarter and better behaved than your freaking honor student, I should probably put a sticker on my car.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Riddick and Mama gave me a beautiful party yesterday. I have some pics of it that I'll post later. Python and Sido were there, as well as HipChick and Lineman. Graybelle and even more friends.
Life has a funny way of swinging around on you. People who are in my life now, daily, sharing their lives, loves, sorrows and joys with me, aren't those that I thought would be here 2 years ago. Some I didn't even know, others I had mis-judged, or maybe didn't trust.
I don't have any big words of wisdom right now. I'm more in a place of reflection and contemplation. Today truly is the first day of the rest of your life.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
My maps came in the mail the other day
I was so excited, and they were FREE! There are two, a full size and a nifty little pocket sized map.
The pocket sized map folds out into..
A full size map showing the bike paths, low traffic and bike lanes in the city. As well as bike stores and repair facilities.
Thank you again City of Portland
Friday, May 20, 2011
~My thighs were awesome and I didn’t show them enough appreciation. In fact I was much thinner than I ever thought I was
~It’s ok to admit you make mistakes and do a complete 180 degree turn and back the hell up
~Don’t worry about things so much. I can’t remember all that I worried about but I know less than 10% ever happened, and the things that did hurt me came out of nowhere
~Most of the time if people you don’t know well make a cheesey comment like “I got your back”, they are wanting you to relax so they can get the knife in really really deep
~Lift up the other women you meet along the way, our world is very hard on women, we need to love and support one another, even if they do something stupid like wear white stretch pants
~Never buy or wear white stretch pants
~Be careful with people’s hearts and feelings, disregard anyone who isn’t careful with yours
~Men are not as emotionally strong as they are physically and have some of the same insecurities you do
~If you have naturally wavy hair, don’t get perms!
~If you don’t know what you want, be damm sure you know what you don’t want.
~Life isn’t a race and you will do better if you focus on your own actions instead of those of others
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
This is Paislie, Sido's Labbit.
I took this in my front yard, while Python and Riddick were working on Sido's car.
I didn't edit it at all.
Do I have any criticism of people who photoshop their pics...good gravy no, I'm all for it.
But I don't own the software and it's way down on the budget list.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
No, for pete's sake I'm no lying about my age, I really am turning 39 for the first and only time. If I was going to lie about my age I would probably tell everybody I was 40 just so they would shut up about it.
Getting older doesn't bother me, yet. Check back when I'm turning 60 and I may have a different story.
I am still able to do the things that I love. And for reasons I do not know I still get asked for ID when I buy beer....really.
My face may look younger than 39 but it sure as hay does not look anywhere near 21.
Two years ago when my first marriage came crashing down, two days before my birthday, on May 21, a friend of mine deemed that birthday as my "re-birthday". I like that. It's a beautiful thing to behold. A re-birth.
Have you ever had a re-birth?
Monday, May 16, 2011
It's a very basic list, here it comes.
~Anti-gravity lawn chair
~Epiphone Limited Edition Hummingbird Artist Acoustic Guitar
~Wrist and knee pads for my rollerblading
~running socks, cushioned toe, not super low profile
Anti-gravity lawn chair, really do I need to explain this? I want to be comfy in my yard or on a camping trip.
Oh my gosh, the guitar is a thing to behold. I love and appreciate my Dad's guitar that I've been strumming on, but I want one of my own, and the slim line neck is wonderful for my short stubby fingers.
Wrist and knee pads, trust me they are needed, I am the one who nearly severed a tendon in my leg with an axe when I hit a toilet
Socks, my toes hurt sometimes after a run, like they do after a day in scuba flippers. And not super low profile because if my socks start to slip down my heel and want to harm myself and others.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Whether it be jealousy of why I don't have a perfect body no matter how hard I work, or because Pioneer woman has thousands of daily readers, or because I can't play the guitar the way I want to yet.
The green eyed monster of jealousy is vicious. Really, it's up there with gossip and deceit as something that can destroy relationships and your spirit.
You ever feel like painful memories and insecurities are just like claws trying to drag you into a pit and keep you there, no matter how hard you try and break their grasp?
I do sometimes.
I think most women do, if they are honest.
A peer in high school said something to me one day that made me cry for days off and on. She said that I could never understand something because I "was perfect". I can even hear her tone of voice in my head right now. It wasn't a compliment; it was a comment to set me apart from everyone else.
All that she saw was my coordinated outfits from "The Limited", little white Toyota Celica I drove to and fro, good grades, lots of friends, just my appearance.
I didn't see any of those things. I wasn't the homecoming queen or even a princess. But that's not what she saw.
She also didn't see my Mom at home in the living room, dying in the hospital bed. She didn't see the brother that took his anger out on me and belittled me and cut me down.
So many times and in so many ways we all waste time and energy on feeling jealous or resentful to other people when we can only see what's on the outside, not what's going on inside of all of us.
Just so you know, if you ever see me in public, at the grocery store, or at the gym, or running in the shorts that are comfortable to run in but that I feel self conscious of my thighs in. Remember this...
~the thoughts in my head are pinging back and forth like a tennis ball
~I'm fully convinced Riddick is a liar when he tells me I'm beautiful
~What you see on the outside is so rarely what is real on the inside
Today and everyday I pray that I remember those things about everybody else. As women we should be loving one another, lifting and building eachother up, not tearing anybody elese down.
I say stupid things sometimes, or I write them, I'm a goober and I mess up all the time, but I'll keep trying to be the person I should be.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
No I'm no dirt poor and un-aware that people get pedicures. I had had manicures, but never the feet.
I'm not specifically sure why. I've never had a bikini wax either but I'll be sure to let you know if I do.
So back to my toes.
I have ugly toes. Not hammer toes, not grotesque ballernia toes, sorry to all the swans out there, but really your feet look nasty. You may have tiny little butts and tight thighs but your feet, oh they are nasty.
Genetically speaking I am pre-disposed to in-grown toenails. I would get them so often that soaking in Epsom salts became a weekly habit. Once in a while a icky infection would present and I'd have to become best freinds with hydrogen peroxide and triple antibiotic.
About 15 years ago I had this lovely procedure done. The official name is lateral matriectomy. It's the surgical removal and deadening of the nail bed.
Long story short, my nails are more narrow than the original nail bed. The toe doesn't re-adjust itself to the size of your nail. The nail bed is there and if your nail is smaller than the bed, there is just some extra space on the side. Sort of like the borders on a picture. Think smaller picture so large borders.
The doctor puts an acidic solution, usually Phenol, on the offending nail area, and wa~lah...no more in-grown toes.
But now my nails trap dirt on the sides. It's not so nice looking. I can scrape it out but than the skin gets dry. Instead I choose to go and pay someone to soak and clean my nasty little toes.
This tale doesn't have a sad ending, nor a happy one, it just ends. Ends with the knowledge that tomorrow I shall go and have my pedicure and all will be right with the world for the next 10 days, toe speaking.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
For me it's a bitter sweet day. Bitter because it's a huge reminder of the two most painful details of my life: that I'm not a mother and that my Mom is gone.
It's a sweet day because of all the beautiful women in my life who are Mothers. Some have been like a mother to me, some are my friends that have children of their own, and some like Sido are my family.
I will celebrate tomorrow for those of you that are mothers and for the memory of my Mom.
I would prefer my life to be different, to have my mom here now. I wasn't ready for her to go and she was not ready to go. Life is short and fleeting and fragile. Love your family. Love them like crazy, love like there isn't a tomorrow, because there isn't a tomorrow for everyone. Today is all we have.
Happy Mother's day everyone.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Yes I am a problem shopper, I am very frugal and careful in my purchases but I still manage to always have a crammed full pantry.
I was in the pantry (that's what I call it if it's food involved, if I'm doing laundry I call the same place the laundry room) putting cans of olives and water chestnuts in the nearest empty drawer. But every time I shut one drawer my snap-ware container of Craisins would come crashing down onto my head, by the second time it hit me I yelled, "dammit". No! it did not occur to me to move the freaking container to a different place, I can win over gravity.
Duh dunt da da..Riddick comes running to the rescue. He was in the garage working on his batbike when he heard me yell.
I should mention that the Laundry room/Pantry is between the kitchen and the garage. Visualize walking to the end of my kitchen, opening the door, walking into the little room, on your right is the food, on your left is the laundry, in front of you is the door to the garage.
So as I'm bent over putting cans of olives away and exclaiming "dammit" Riddick comes barreling in from the garage, opens the door, slams it into my ass and sends me head long into the washer.
Suddenly the snap-ware of Craisins to the cranium didn't feel so bad.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
I hate being in debt. I hate that fact that it's left over from my previous marriage, and it feels like the fee I had to pay for getting rid of a rotten cheating whore monger of a husband.
What's worse is that so many people really to not comprehend how dangerous debt is and how dedicated I am to never having any of it again.
I shop at goodwill, I will drive my car until it's so dead that Riddick can't resurrect it. But I work with people who just buy and buy and buy.
It's rough to have that comparison of lifestyles. Hard to look at my own and not feel cheated.
But remembering and telling myself that my reward isn't here on earth, it's in heavan. That and the best revenge is to be happy.
So stick that in your pipe and smoke it!
My sneezes are loud. So loud that just now, the entire trading floor heard me sneeze and said "bless you"
I am blessed however that my extra powerful sneezes do not cause my peanut size bladder to leak, now that truly would suck.
Ohhh that would be horrible.
That's what I'm thankful for right now.
That I can sneeze and not pee myself!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Yes, I'm glad he's dead. Frank but honest.
I do wish there was a picture or some visual proof published, if only to shut up those who are voicing doubts. These same lamebrains probably don't believe astronauts ever landed on the moon either. Halfwits!
No I don't think he is enjoying 10,000 virgins or whatever it is he believed.
I hope he is remembered as a evil person who murdered thousands. Muslims, Christians, Pagans, all alike, with no remorse.
I hope he is not remembered as a Muslim, who killed Christians.
There's a difference. A big difference.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Spit, not a very good spitter. It goes everywhere, I don't have that one blob in the spitoon sort of ability. I realized this when I run or bike and I have that disgusting build up after a long ride/run. TMI I know.
Drink Tequila. Oh I can drink it, but I can't keep from barfing after
My runs are every other day, at least 3.5 miles and I haven't moved past the 5 mile limit. I average a 10 minute mile. I have done 9 minute averages and wanted to puke, cry and die all in that order when I finished.
I love the feeling of salt crystals on my face from the dried perspiration. I know very odd, but I love it.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Riddick ordered two medium "grape squishies"
The response after a healthy pause was " ...do you mean slushie?"
as we drive away Riddick mumbles, "don't tell me you don't know what a squishie is"
Really does anybody not know what a squishie is? Even if you aren't a fan of "The Simpsons", have you really never never heard "squishie"
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Every Easter we would go to my Uncle Bob's for dinner. But first there would be magnificent
Easter baskets courtesy of Mom.
I know now, that she spent time putting them together. I looked forward to finding them every year.
My cousin Nina and I one year in Uncle Bob's garage.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
This all stems from a lie. A lie I told. Actually a series of lies. I didn't tell anybody when my first husband hit me. I kept it in. I knew or at least I belived that I was protecting him, myself, and that if I didn't tell anybody that I would be the only one to get hurt. And because I thought I deserved it.
You might ask what the hell would give an 18 year old the idea that she deserved to be beat by her 38 year old husband. Well because it had happened before. Not by either of my parents, but by someone else, someone else who had no right to solve an argument with violence.
My Mom had died by the time this all happened. But I feel that my Dad did not defend me as he should have. In his defense he probably did more than I know of, but to me, he wanted me to be strong. He told me that he always knew that I was the kind of person that could take whatever came my way, and that not all people are that way.
My Dad didn't do anything wrong. He was trying to keep his family together, and he had absolutely no idea what would happen to me in the future, and if I had told him what was happenening to me in my marriage, I believe he would have helped me.
But I chose to hide it, all for wrong reasons. I guess I could write a book, but really does the world need another book about some asshole cop who beat is young wife? No I don't think so, but what the world does need is a bit more understanding, more apologies and a lot less violence.
So now, years later, when I'm finally trying to deal with all this, who do I tell? The person who did it, he has spent his life thinking he was right, and I in my silence allowed that to happen.
Don't ever be silent my sisters and brothers! Never let anybody take your voice.
Monday, April 11, 2011
The past month I have been coping, dealing and trying to help with my step-father's illness. Sadly, Ken died March 25th.
Last week was especially stressful. We had Pinky and IronMan for the week. April 5 is also the anniversary of my own Dad's death and Ken's memorial service was set for Saturday the 8th.
The kids had doctor appointments and youth group. I had envisioned a very hard week for me. The driving was too much, the phone calls, many comforting my bio-Mom, were painful, but in the end it was all made better by having the kids.
Having them here with Riddick and I meant that I could not just lay down in my bed and cry for a day, or hide in my house, like I choose to do quite often.
Do you ever like to do that? Plan days where you don't leave your home, puttering around, cooking, plucking your guitar, organizing..or just reading. I love those days. Never used to. I always wanted to be away from home when home was miserable.
I was nervous to actually tell the kids what was going on inside of me with remembering my Dad's death. Riddick told me I could trust them, to take a chance and let them see my exposed underbelly. And I did.
And..he was right. Pinky and Ironman are definitely wonderful human beings. They are a product of their parents, who despite their differences work very hard at getting along, and respecting one another.
This situation is so so much different than my first marriage. That relationship was marred with selfishness and dis-respect from him, to me, to the kids, to the ex..heck to the whole world. But each time I am reminded of how crappy things were than, it just makes now even more beautiful.
So even though at $3.70 a gallon, driving all over hell and gone was expensive, and the co-pays at the doctor quickly add up, I was once again truly grateful for who my family is now, and how special each and everyone one of them is to me.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
I coulda been anything in the whole world, but I wound up here
I shoulda taken better care of my my teeth, but hey I still got em
I woulda been a mother if I woulda had my way about it
What coulda you have been, and what shoulda you have done, and what woulda you do different?
Saturday, February 26, 2011
In my opinion, and since this is my blog, and if someone doesn't like what I'm saying they can turn the freaking channel, I get to say it.
Pirates need to be the hunted parties. US needs to be the big bully of that neighborhood for a while. The "hood" I'm speaking of is the open International waters off the coast. If ships have business being there, fine leave them be, and in extension offer them safe passage by our presence.
But Pirates need to be eliminated. Yes, yes I know that they are poor, desperate human beings. But they aren't robbing ships of money and valuables, they are taking people hostage, mis-treating them and killing them, for an expected pay out. That goes beyond my ability to offer them any understanding of their economic position.
I call BS!
Riddick's plan and offer in all this ranting while we drink our morning coffee is simple. He as a former service member is very happy to offer his services for two weeks at a time, either sniping pirates or better yet acting as a decoy.
He's happy to cruise around on a Trimaran, with some nicely trained military folks hidden aboard. What better decoy than a white guy on an expensive boat, just what the pirates love!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
My past is an abusive long term marriage. I'm not in one now. In fact, I am in the polar opposite marriage.
Riddick and I aren't perfect, in fact we are both basically dorks. But we are loving, god fearing, gentle dorks that respect each other and others, and try and stumble through this earthly existence without doing harm to anyone else.
We remind ourselves when we get tired and worn out from this life, that our reward is not here on earth but in heaven.
But, well actually, not but, more like a heavy pause.
This past weekend was a tough one for me, and in extension, Riddick. My past came to bite me in the butt in a way and through a person I did not expect. When you live a life with abuse and don't tell anyone, when you do tell people, you don't always get the support or understanding that you want.
Maybe they can't give it to you because they don't have it, or maybe they (like in this case) don't really get it, and probably never will.
So I'm looking to let go. Finally let go of all the hurts and just let people think what they want and be who they are, without me having the need for them to understand me.
I'll let you know how my journey goes, I'm nervous, frankly thinking I'll never be free, but I'm praying, praying like I mean it, and loving like I mean it so I'll keep plugging along.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Yesterday was a reminder for me that my sweet dog Mrs. Maya is 70 in dog years.
She just about didn't make it, I worried I would have to carry her, my poor girl.
Thinking of losing her is horrible, although I know it will happen. If she dies it will be the last think of my "old" life left to go.
It's an odd feeling to realize that Riddick et all my new family only know me. They never knew my Dad, ofcourse didn't know my Mom, and really haven't gotten to know my extended family
Thursday, February 10, 2011
I sat and listened to her, just taking in what she had to say, and it was as if someone was describing my first marriage, but it was all coming out of her mouth. The deception, loneliness, frustration and feeling of utter confusion as to what to do when the person you are married to changes into someone that you don't know, and frankly, don't want to know.
It makes me all the more grateful for Riddick. Last night was very hard on me, I was in a odd place, living my life now, but thinking of my life than. And I hate those times. It leaves me exhausted and with a night of bad dreams.
Sometimes I do wish we could wipe our minds of all the bad memories. Those memories and experiences do make us the people we are now, but the person I am now is not as brave or secure as the person I should be. Praying about that, praying like I mean it.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
It's going splendidly. So far, so good, no serious pain, just some soreness.
I don't have any cardiovascular issues, I've been working our regularly for years, and cycling 20+ miles. So my issues are just building bone mass and strengthening different muscles groups.
I find that now, as before in my running life, I prefer trail running. Let's face it, I'm not a coordinated individual, I trip all the time, so while off road running, I focus so much on not tripping or face planting that the time ticks by.f
Oh that's another point..for now I'm setting my runs for a specific 30 minute time frame, not including a walking warm up and cool down, all said about 50 minutes of workout time. I think at the 8 week point I'm going to switch to distance, now I want to condition myself first.
Riddick has even started the program. On his own. I think it's his competitive nature. He can skunk me at any time, his legs are a good 6 inches longer than mine.
The idea that my spouse can keep up with me as wonderful, and the fact that he cares about his physical conditioning is precious to me.
We have lots of plans Riddick and I, for the future, and being healthy is an important part of those plans.
Live like you mean it, every day!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I work 12 hour shifts, rotating days and nights. This week I am working 3 night shifts. Because of where we live in proximity to where we each work, I don't see Riddick at all when I work these shift. I leave in the evening before he gets home and he leaves in the morning before I get home.
So in order to see him and to save money on commuting, I stay at my in-laws for the week. Mama is awesome, she has given us a room of our own, and made it very very homey for us. So it's not displeasure with my surroundings that is the hangup. I've just become a homebody.
This morning I was reminded that today, the 11th of January is my Dad's birthday. Or it was, well it still is the date he was born, but he died April 5th, 2008.
The day crept up on me. I try very hard not to mark the dates my parents died, and to not let their birthdays draw me down into a pit of sorrow, that's not the type of people they were.
But no matter if I consiously mark the dates, they affect me.
That is the puzzle that is my mind I suppose, something I am learning more about as I age. But at least I understand why it is I feel lost today.
I will let myself feel this way for today, knowing there is a hole in my life that my parents once filled.
Love like you mean it, Every day !
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Only to feel like a loser yet again.
I'll be honest. What I love about facebook is how much more I get to hear about the daily lives of Pinkie, Ironman, Sido, Graybelle and the rest of my family. I love seeing pictures, and being able to offer written words of encouragement or humor for freinds that are having a rough day.
What I don't love is the need I feel to put a post up, when in reality I don't want to. The things I post here, on my blog, are out in the publicly consumable realm of the internet. And I know that. But the things I put on facebook should only be for my "friends", but they truly do become comsumable by anyone who gets the news passed on to them.
So yet again I am feeling disgusted with the whole idea of social networking. Which sounds counter intuitive considering I'm stating that on a BLOG! I sit here and I struggle, struggle with just giving it all up and de-activating it, or maybe I should just take a break.
I'll let you know
Saturday, January 8, 2011
When I was 14 I started to lose weight and exercise. By the time I was 16 I had lost 50 lbs and was slim. I didn't think I was, but by the pictures I can tell you I was. Being overweight most of my life had made me shy about my appearance and my body, something that haunts me to this day.
I lost the weight eating a strict low fat diet and running. Running every morning before sun up. Before anyone could see me. And I loved it.
The rest of my teens and my twenties I maintaned a very healthy happy athletic weight and was very happy with it. But once in my thirties when my first marriage was in sad shape and my husband was already cheating on me. I ate. I ate to stuff down the knowlege of what I knew to be true, but that he wouldn't admit. I have to tell you, if you are ever in a relationship and you are the cheater, please know, that cheating is wrong, but lying about it takes it to a completely different level of abuse.
Ok, back on topic. So I gained weight, I was fat again. And I stayed at the same fat weight for 5 years. And than one day I decided I didn't want that for me anymore.
Actually what I decided was that I wanted a life for myself. I was raising two step sons that did not appreciate or respect me and was married to an abusive cheater that I was afraid of. I knew that I was at a point that if I didn't make changes for me, I would be lost. Be aware that this was a whole 3 years before I had the courage to end my marriage.
I changed my diet, reduced my portions, went to the gym, started back to cycling. And over time my weight dropped regularly. And I am proud to say I am back to my same weight as when I was 21 and happier for it.
But the running. I couldn't run anymore. Oh I could push myself through the pain of the first mile, but after that my knee would lock up and I was more of a hobble with speed.
Lots of doctor appointments followed by physical therapy. All to discover that there wasn't anything wrong with my knee except for naturally hyper extending joints. Good grief, really, all that for that???
So I cycle, swim and workout at the gym. But I miss the running.
A friend of mine told me of a training plan...Couch to 5k..google it, I'm in the groove and don't want to set up the link.
Now I wasn't on the couch. But I think this might do it. It's a plan to build yourself up to the run.
It starts with a 5 minute walk, and than 20 minutes of alternating running with walking, with the interval times changing each week over 9 weeks.
Wish me luck, so far on week 2, my knee isn't hurting and I am loving it. I love the feeling of tired legs. Just like I love the feeling of salt on my skin in the summer after a long hard ride.
Once I was a runner, and hopefully I will be again.