Sunday, May 15, 2011

Ever been invaded by the green monster?

I have been.

Whether it be jealousy of why I don't have a perfect body no matter how hard I work, or because Pioneer woman has thousands of daily readers, or because I can't play the guitar the way I want to yet.

The green eyed monster of jealousy is vicious. Really, it's up there with gossip and deceit as something that can destroy relationships and your spirit.

You ever feel like painful memories and insecurities are just like claws trying to drag you into a pit and keep you there, no matter how hard you try and break their grasp?
I do sometimes.

I think most women do, if they are honest.

A peer in high school said something to me one day that made me cry for days off and on. She said that I could never understand something because I "was perfect". I can even hear her tone of voice in my head right now. It wasn't a compliment; it was a comment to set me apart from everyone else.

All that she saw was my coordinated outfits from "The Limited", little white Toyota Celica I drove to and fro, good grades, lots of friends, just my appearance.

I didn't see any of those things. I wasn't the homecoming queen or even a princess. But that's not what she saw.

She also didn't see my Mom at home in the living room, dying in the hospital bed. She didn't see the brother that took his anger out on me and belittled me and cut me down.

So many times and in so many ways we all waste time and energy on feeling jealous or resentful to other people when we can only see what's on the outside, not what's going on inside of all of us.

Just so you know, if you ever see me in public, at the grocery store, or at the gym, or running in the shorts that are comfortable to run in but that I feel self conscious of my thighs in. Remember this...

~the thoughts in my head are pinging back and forth like a tennis ball

~I'm fully convinced Riddick is a liar when he tells me I'm beautiful

~What you see on the outside is so rarely what is real on the inside

Today and everyday I pray that I remember those things about everybody else. As women we should be loving one another, lifting and building eachother up, not tearing anybody elese down.

I say stupid things sometimes, or I write them, I'm a goober and I mess up all the time, but I'll keep trying to be the person I should be.

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