Monday, May 24, 2010

Yesterday was my birthday

I turned 38 yesterday. It was a good day. My party was the day before so it was quiet for me, but we helped celebrate the birthday of the sweet daughter of some friends, she is turning 9.

I could not help but reflect on the difference a year has made in my life. My life before was a lie. Not a lie about me, but covering for the sins and mis-deeds done by my former husband. I felt a tremendous need to be protective of him, even though he was causing me so much pain and misery. In fact I prayed everyday that he would stop his abusive ways.

I knew that even if he stopped he wasn't the man for me, but I was willing to stay in a marriage simply because I made a commitment to him and God.

When the you know what hit the fan finally on May 21st 2009 there was a switch in me. I knew that I had to end the marriage or lose myself completely.

My birthday last year was terrifying. I have some amazing friends, AP and R, that took me in and made me feel loved, but I knew that I was now alone in this world.

So AP threw me what she called a "Re-birthday party". We had fish tacos and strawberry shortcake, my favs. I came downstairs after one of several cries and posed for some pics.

One of those pics was one I used on e-harmony.

A picture of my pain was a rung in the ladder of things that led me to the life I live now.

None of us every really knows what is around the corner.

Live and love like you mean it, every single day.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

This made me laugh, courtesy wikipedia

n June, 2007, a Wienermobile with the Wisconsin license plate of YUMMY made headlines after having been stopped by an Arizona Department of Public Safety officer for having an alleged stolen license plate. Officer K. Lankow had observed the Wienermobile slowing traffic and checked the license plate number to determine if the vehicle was street legal. The license plate came back as being stolen out of Columbia, Missouri[2], so the officer stopped the Wienermobile and detained the driver. The Columbia Police Department, that had flagged the license plate as being stolen, had neglected to add that it should be considered stolen only if not on a Wienermobile

Monday, May 17, 2010

Us on the dive!


Riddick and I went diving this weekend. Up to Tacoma, near the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. It was beautiful weather, fun dives, good students, and good friends.

My day is always better if I get to dive.

We went up with a group of students from Clackamas Community College finishing their Open Water course.

It doesn't matter what I do though, I just don't look good in neoprene!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Diane Downs

Diane Downs and what mom said

“She killed her kids”…Mom when viewing the news report of Diane Down’s children being shot by a stranger. I was mortified that she would say that. That kind of mortified that teenage girls feel whenever someone says something that they don’t agree with. That self righteous indignation that is so very annoying to me now when I experience the other end of it.

But she was right. Diane Downs did shoot her three kids and kill one of them. My moms’ theory was correct and wise.. She said that no mother would ever escape with a wound while her children were murdered.

My mom wouldn’t have stood idly by while someone shot her children. Oh they may have gotten one round off before she tackled them and took the rest, but they wouldn’t have shot more than once.

Over the next weeks and months when the story all came out, I kept my mouth shut but was quietly impressed that she knew all along what had gone on.

Friday, May 14, 2010

I Really did this

In 1987 when I was 15 years old my mom was already ill with the cancerous brain tumor that would kill her a year later.

But that summer, she and we, thought she had beat the cancer. The doctors had shrunk the tumor and it seemed to be beat. It would come back in full force by winter.

Summer though; we all thought she was on the mend. Mom drove my friend and me to Thriftway to get some groceries. And for reasons I cannot explain, I chose to imitate a severely retarded person and chase her down the cereal isle. Yelling...


"Mama I want some Captain Crunch"

Yelling in a horrible fake mongoloidian voice and dragging my foot, with arms at a spastic angle.

My friend was laughing hysterically. We were in a small town grocery store. Everybody knew us. Knew I wasn't retarded, and pitied my mom that she was being chased by her crazy teenage daughter.

Mom turned around and slapped one of my hands down, not hard, telling me to be quiet. Instead I yelled more.


"Mama don't hit me Mama" "Don't hit me"

And than doubled over laughing at my clever self.

We were in the car and nearly home before she started to laugh, but than she did, we three did, until tears were flowing.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

More of what I remember

My mom worked swing shift at our local junior highschool, 2pm to 10pm, as a custodian.

She was trained as a hair stylist, but we kids complained that she took too long in cutting our hair, so she paid others to do it. I regret immensely of course, ever complaining.

She got tired of washing lipstick off the mirrors at the school from girls kissing the glass. So she told them that she used the same brush as the toilet to clean them. Classic!

She liked diet dr. pepper and would buy the little glass bottles, drink part, and put the other in the fridge with saran wrap over the top.

She gave the best back rubs

When she was irritated she would call my dad “Francisco”, his given name. I can hear it right now.

Also when she was irritated, the oakie in her would come out and she would say “Sick and tired” but it would sound “sick and taaard”…I would laugh everytime.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The best advice she ever gave me

I know that I missed out on a great deal of time with my mom. She got sick when I was 13 and died 4 months after I turned 16. But what she gave me was amazing. It stuck with me.

She told me that every date was a possible mate, so never date someone that wasn’t up to your standards. And that it was ok to have standards. It’s not being snobby or rude to keep yourself away from people that live lives that aren’t what you want for your own. I’m not talking about how much money you have or what you drive. I’m talking about bad boys that bring along drugs and alcohol and sex…all big time no no’s for girls.

She assured me that I wasn’t weird because I was still a virgin. I thought I was. I lied to my friends because I was embarrassed to say I wasn’t.

But probably what I remember her saying the most our two distinct statements that helped me a lot, even now at 37;

“It’s all right to not know what you want, but be very sure you know what you don’t want”

Amen sista…if you don’t know what you don’t want, you might get stuck with it..and nobody wants that!

“When you have sex with someone you give them a part of you, and if you give a way a part of yourself, you don’t have enough left for you or for the man you will marry”

That was the perfect way to explain it to me. She wasn’t saying that girls who had sex before they got married were evil whores. What she was saying is that you can’t give your heart away to every boy that you "have feelings for" and expect to have it whole for you and your future husband.

It made more sense to me than what so many women say now, basically contradicting themselves. They tell their daughters not to have sex when they are little girls, and than when they start to date in high school, they waffle and tell them that you should only have sex with someone that you really care about. "That you have feelings for" "That you Love" blah blah blah..

Hello. Wake up!

At 15 you don’t know your ass from a hole in the ground, how can you tell your own feelings!

Ok that’s my rant for the day, have a nice day :-)

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The Rats Exposed!

I yelled that once. Not really yelled, more like exclaimed it loudly and with panic. Panic caused by the fear of projectile vomit coming out all over me and everyone else at the table.

I was on Roatan, with two friends, Missy and Prissy. We had been "dolphin trainers for a day" and had chosen to buy the cheap lunch with the locals. We were told they had only two plates of fish left and than the conejo. Conejo is spanish for "rabbit". So I made the sacrifce and let the twins have the fish. It's not my favorite meat, but I figured what the heck..when in rome...

All was good until the american dolphin trainer walked by and was kind enough to tell me that "conejo" wasn't the "rabbit" I was thinking of. She said the magic word.."Watusa"

Abruptly a plate with rice and fried plantain appear with a dark sweet smelling meat...Watusa.

That's when the yelling came in and the controlled gag reflex

fyi....Watusa is a damm rodent, a tree rat, a nutria crossed with a rat, nasty, did I say rodent..

Monday, May 10, 2010

Balm of Gilead

I finally opened up a bit and shared some of my history with the ladies bible study on Tuesday night. I was very nervous to let any of these women know what I had been through.

Most of them have known Riddick for years, and I want to get to know them as well.

After I said what was on my heart I wasn't sure what would happen.

Mary understood. When I said that my burden is fear she knew it was partly fear of the "waiting for the other shoe to drop"....than she added that Riddick was my

"balm of gilead"

It's a reference she heard once to Jeremiah 8:22
Is there no balm in Gilead?
Is there no physician there?
Why then is there no healing
for the wound of my people?

It references the people of Gilead having ready access to a soothing balm but still suffering because of their own sin.

I was suffering from someone else's sin. But my sin is letting it harm me still.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Thoughts on another blog

So I was reading this blog...all about Nia's thoughts on what her Mother's days were like before she adopted her daughter. It's funny, and appropriate...and a little sad.

I didn't have her same experience, but I am childless, not by my own choice.

Mother's day is very hard for me. My hope is that this year it won't be so bad. After all I am back in touch with my biological mom, and I have my step-mom (just because dad is gone, she is not!), and I do have my lovely mom-in-law, all ladies I love.

But I miss my mom on Mother's day. And I miss that I am not a mom on Mother's day.

Being a step parent isn't the same. I've done the step parent thing two different ways now. The first, I was the full time parent, 26 days every month, now I'm the part time one.

But regardless, you aren't the mother. It would be an insult to their mothers, and the kids, if you didn't recognize that fact. In fact, embrace that fact.

Mother's day is about all the other ladies, not me. So it's a day I have to pony up with some big ego generosity and alot of humor, to make it a special day for all the mom's out there, and not a pity party for me.

Happy Mother's Day!



Everyday I miss her. I don't talk about her as much as my Dad, simply because I lost her so long ago that my memories of her are part of me. I carry them with me all the time. I know of them, I feel them, and can identify them, I'm just so used to holding them close that I don't verbalize them anymore.

I'm working on changing that. So that Riddick can know more of my mom. Who Dolores was.

She liked Bama mini-Pecan pies
She liked burgerville
She introduced me to strawberry/banana shakes

My mom could make the softest, perfectly round tortillas

She toll painted, and even though she would get behind in the projects after she got ill, she tried so very hard.

When I tried cigarettes in 8th grade, she didn't yell, she just told me how disgusting it was and that it stank.

My mom told me often that I was beautiful. I didn't believe her, but she said it.

She called our pickup truck a "rig" and it used to bug me ;-)

She didn't live long enough to know the Internet, and she never imagined facebook or email, but she would have loved it.

she was proud of me. She wasn't ready to die, and she told me how much she worried that she wouldn't be here to keep me safe.

She hoped for a daughter, but she didn't plan on it, she worried that she was being selfish by adopting two kids, when other people don't have any.

She was tough. But she cried easily. And I kick myself for ever making her feel bad or cry, for ever arguing about clothes and being a rude teenager.

I realize now, that being with her when she died, was a gift. I got to hold her hand and love her as her soul left her body. It was much too early for me and her, she was 42 and I was 16, but I am grateful that I was there to comfort her.

She took a part of me with her to the grave. And I keep a part of her with me. We were not connected by birth, connected by life and love, but she is a part of me and I am a part of her. I used to worry that I would forget her, and now know it was foolish because you can't forget your heart.

Monday, May 3, 2010

All about me...I'm back.

1. I am very sensitive

2. I am very insecure and don't always look it

3. I can't get my hair perfectly straight without alot of work

4. I love my friends like they are my family

5. I love my husband and his kids and my new family

6. I love my brother even though we are very different

7. I get very overwhelmed easily in large noisy crowds or around angry people

8. I am good at my job, although I don't talk about it

9. My mom died when I was 16, my dad when I was 35. I miss them very much.

10. I am a pleaser

11. I wish I had more time to spend with my friends.

12. I want to know my step kids better

13. I am not afraid to die, but worry about how I will die

14. I do not like mean people

15. I prayed for a husband like Robbie, for years, while I was married to Tim

16. I am very sensative to people's energy and emotions, and it's sometimes a blessing and sometimes a curse

17. I love to be home

18. I also love to be outside

19. There was a long period of time when I comtemplated running away

20. I do not like it when people stare at me.

21. I want a classic vw bug

22. I love to cook/bake

23. I am named after one of my mom's friends

24. I worry about Maya dying

25. I want my husband to be happy, and make his life enjoyable